Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Monkey in the Middle

My morning started at 5 am with a sharp pain down my leg. Got up, did some stretches and found some Advil. Couldn't get back to sleep so read a book for a bit. Figured the morning would be a train wreck as I had one kid to drop off at the Museum and the other one in the opposite direction.

Kid one was dropped off successfully. So far so good. We stopped at Dunkin for coffee because I was tired and the boy needed a doughnut. The line was long, but I got myself an ice coffee and blueberry muffin.

We had hit the four lane when the text messages started arriving.

Mom no one is here are you sure I am supposed to be here. 

My co-pilot was in charge of reading them to me and responding. He was also in charge of buttering the blueberry muffin.

I suggested in my very best calm Mom voice that he cut it in fours and carefully butter one section and hand it to me. I also suggested that he tell his sister to ask someone in charge.

I watched him fumble with the knife, get butter on my phone and stop buttering to respond to the next text message.

Mom people are here in suits and I think the museum is closed. What do you want me to do?

I give the boy an eye ball. I am getting hangry and that muffin did not appear to heading my way any time fast.

Again, still calm I repeat myself. Tell Lexi she needs to ask someone. There isn't much I can do, I am driving and she is in a safe place.

Again I watch him fumble with the phone while waving buttery knife.

I then ask nicely for part of my muffin. (I think GET IN MY BELLY MUFFIN but try to remain calm).

Boy fumbles the muffin. It has somehow managed to self destruct.

The phone dings again.

Mom I think the entire museum is closed. There are table cloths. 

Belly takes over for brain. Besides the table cloth comment has me stumped and I don't have the fortitude to deal with it.


He looks really sad. He tells me that he can't be expected to text and cut a muffin all at once and that he could feel the angry from my side of the car plus he was pretty sure Lexi was upset on her end of the phone too. And next time could I consider a doughnut instead? The butter was a bit much.

The phone dings again.

I'm all set. I'll explain later. 

Thank you Sweet Jesus the madness is over. I tell the boy to hand me the remains of the muffin and sadly lay it to rest in a napkin. It's just a crumbly mess at this point.

Luke texts back:  "K"

Luke I am going to take that K and beat you to death with it. There's this cool little thing at the bottom of a recently sent text that shows you if the text was read. You don't need to "K" me. 

Luke texts back: "K"

Luke stop. You don't need to send me "K" it is the stupidest thing on the face of this planet. 

By now the caffein and sugar have done their trick and I no longer feel like a zombie from The Walking Dead. Belly has stopped talking and I'm back to brain power.

I tell him to tell her we love her too. That is what it is. Just love because if you didn't love your kids, you'd eat their livers for breakfast.


  1. post ever!! That's usually what we call Monday in our house. Awesome story, glad everything worked out. Hope the leg is feeling better!
    Mmmm, liver and I'm hungry.

  2. Oh Lordy! You gave me a belly laugh. Poor Luke! That is one grounded kid you have there. K?!!!!!}

  3. Not the best morning then!??

  4. My mental picture of this makes me giggle. Glad all is well. :)

  5. I came to this blog expecting arts and crafts and instead got the funniest article I've read for ages! A classic! Thanks for sharing.


I LOVE comments. Come on. Leave me one. They make me smile!